Thing of the Day: Lady GaGa

First things first:

Today on the subway, an aptly sized Hispanic man stood directly over where I was sitting reading The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay (Pulitzer endeavor numero uno) and avidly prayed for the entirely of my 30 minute commute. Out loud. I made out "Jesus, Mary, Joseph, atone for your sins, lord and savior (does one who cares about being religiously PC capitalize lord and savior?) before I got off at my stop and he glared directly at me and repeated "atone to the (L?)ord"!

Now, I know that the most productive thing I did this weekend was learn that pizza bagels are a magnificent hangover cure, but c'mon, greater forces above. Was this really necessary? I plan on atoning today by giving one of six dollar coins (damn you, MetroCard machine) to the next homeless person I encounter. Maybe even the next two. I've gotta get rid of those things.

Since my weekend consisted of questionable life decisions, excessive carbohydrates, and one too many Pinot Grigios, I really have absolutely nothing respectable or interesting to report and would rather focus on things I am looking forward to. But before that. Lady Gaga.

Lady GaGa has made frequent appearances on both my Pandora and my Itunes ever since since "where are my keys I lost my phone" first made its way to my ears at some dirty frat dance floor. Who was this human who so shamelessly admitted her inappropriately drunk status ("I love this record but I can't see straight anymoreeeee"). I remained an avid fan despite a friend's revelation that she had gone to high school with GaGa (formerly known as Stefani Germanotta) and that she was not, as she states in interviews "a misfit and unpopular" but rather the most popular girl in her class and a rather hot thang. I think the high point in Stefani/LG and my relationship was when she debuted this hairdo, which i very desperately want to re-create in a significantly smaller size for my birthday (three weeks until I retire Lori from Tennessee foreverrrrrrr), but I think this time GaGa has taken it too far.

In an interview with a German news channel yesterday, she showed up wearing the above outfit. If you cannot make out the misshapen green blobs on her head and body, they are small reincarnations of Kermit the Frog. LG--excuse my French--but are you out of your F-ing mind?! Why are you wearing dozens of stuffed cartoon amphibians on your small frame? That is in no way attractive or, as you explain in the interview, "an art". Please cease taking psychedelic drugs immediately, your pupils are dilated and there is no way anyone is going to believe that you are not tripping in that getup.

That being said, the recently released video for Paparazzi is phenom. And I'd still totally be Lady GaGa's friend. Make it happen, NYC connections.

This week, I am looking forward to a free caviar and 2 for 1 champagne happy hour, another delicious Restaurant Week dinner at Blue Water Grill, a free concert featuring the wonderfully Hipster McHip Ted Leo + The Pharmacists with my wonderfully Hipster McHip roommate, finally visiting the PS1 Warmup, and another sunny (please)? Sunday on the beach. And I am especially looking forward into moving onto the Upper East Side on Friday with my best friend to "cat-sit for a friend" aka share a bed, cook each other heavily caloric meals, and watch hours of Law and Order: SVU.

Thing(s)of the Day: My Last Name/The King of Pop

My darling roommate Lauren decided it would be funny to send me this, and I figure if you can't beat them, join them. Enjoy free smoothies till July 12, compliments of Jamba Juice and my ridiculous last name. As Lauren was kind enough to point out, at least this Bogo joke grants one free smoothies. Unlike this one, sent by less kind friends, which grants free Payless shoes...seriously, Payless? You might as well be free anyway. Its not my fault my last name happens to coincide with the term for "Buy One Get One (Free!)" But I'll be damned if I don't have at least five free Jamba Juices by this time in two weeks.

In other food-related news, I have discovered vegetarianism is not half bad with the veggie burger at brunch this weekend. I am fairly certain that I will change my mind about this come 4th of July weekend barbeques, where I will be eating Luna Bars out of my purse and looking moderately anorexic with a plate of condiments, lettuce, and chips while staring hungrily at all the deliciously grilled animals I am not allowed to eat. In more food related news, I have just acquired my first restaurant week reservation! Darling roommate Lauren, in addition to g-chatting me with mockeries of my fine Russian roots, has just informed that me, her, and a few other select humans will be dining at Jean Georges' Perry Street in several mouthwatering weeks. I can't wait until the reservations officially open (tomorrow!) as to snag a table at several more fine eateries. Suggestions from fellow fatasses/foodies always welcome.

In surprisingly non-food related news, am I the only one who doesn't buy this Michael Jackson shit? Farrah Fawcett makes perfect sense, the woman had been struggling with cancer for years. Ed McMahon, despite being one of the snuggliest TV personalities I have encountered, was just plain old. Billy Mays, who the hell are you? When I heard that you had died I wasn't sure if I should mourn a classmate never-known or some long lost Russian relative. Upon Googling (or, you know, Perez-Hilton-ing) you I learned you sold Oxi-Clean and various other obnoxious products. That makes you less of a celebrity than Whitney Port, who is so much non-celebrity that I have already seen her twice at/around DVF and have not even texted a friend to report the sighting. Now DVF herself would be quite the celebrity sighting--she's married to the chairman of my company (who aside from being a really fun and scandalous person to Google, also owns the largest yacht in the world! When can I play?). I have already had the chance to make small talk with him in the elevator, and can only hope she will one day stop by and the two will be wow-ed enough by my charm and business cas. to invite me on a sailing trip around the world...

Anyway. Michael Jackson. I'm not buying it. The man(?) may have been crazy, but he wasn't old and didn't have any reported physical health problems. This morning, The Sun reported that the King of Pop was in a horrific state when he died, weighing 112 pounds, with numerous injection wounds and a stomach empty of anything but prescription medication. Three hours later, TMZ is reporting that this autopsy was completely fake and contrived. And to top it all off, MJ's doctor is now claiming that he had a pulse when he was found, and was not DOA as previously reported. Point in case: I don't believe this shit. Something smells fishy around here, and I suspect when all is said and done quite the Law & Order episode could/will be written about MJ's suspicious passing. That being said, proper RIPs are in order. Thriller.