Last night, after over a year of waiting, I finally had the chance to travel back to my beloved Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry and see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I have a lot to say about the Harry Potter movie so I have to throw in two quick Muggle facts before I do so:
1)The lovely people at IAC have decided I am not only witty but also fashionable, so in addition to reading my frequent rants and raves about life on The Daily, the single-digit following of my blog can also skim my musings on trends, style and shopping at ProntoStyle. My posts are the ones by Nikki B (duh) and offer insight on things I am wearing and things I would like to be wearing. These posts make me sound a lot more stylish than I actually am, but I am having a great time writing them and they are leading me to do even more internet shopping at work than I did before. Nonetheless, yay awesome internship duties!
2)Yesterday afternoon I got into an almost-physical altercation with a postman! Alright, it was a postwoman, but W-T-F! Aren't these supposed to be friendly people? "The milkman, the paper boy and evening TV?" Postpeople are always portrayed on television to be bastions of kindness and neighborliness, not scary obese women who elbow you out of the way at the subway.
Now that that has been said--Harry Potter.
Harry Harry Harry...I am up there as one of your biggest fans. Seriously. My BBM name for the past three days has been "Viktor Krum." And although my BBM status is still "Hogwarts," I must say the last time I was so disappointed was when I pretended to be asleep on my couch and watched my tipsy-from-Christmas-dinner parents wrap my presents under the tree and precariously perch them in a messy heap (yes, I am Jewish. We're just fun).
There were, of course, some high points in the movie, which I will proceed to lay out in (short) list format.
-Ron's Quidditch game. Frankly, I'm impressed with any scene in which Ron doesn't fail at something because he is clearly the least awesome character. Proof? Rupert Grint got swine flu. But Ron looked almost attractive up there flexing his Wizarding muscles.
-Ginny tying Harry's shoe. Ginny Weasley, you little slut. I don't know if it's a Wizard thing but J.K Rowling CERTAINLY didn't have a shoe-tying scene in the book. You might as well have bent down and handed HP a condom.
-Creepy baby-Voldemort. Ugh, I said his name. Anyway. I am not a fan of horror movies but the only thing that really really scares me is creepy children. Ever since I realized my little sister looks suspiciously like the little girl from the ring (or did, when the movie came out. My little sister is actually kind of hot now and I don't think I like it), I have been obsessed with creepy evil movie children and whether they are convincing. Baby-Voldemort? Good. Little girl from Orphan? Bad. Very bad.
-Lavender Brown. Lavenderrrr. You were this film's saving grace. Whoever this chick is ("Jennifer Smith"? have a less exciting name,please), she was brilliant. Simply brillz. She was hilarious and phenomenally convincing as Won-Won's crazy girlfriend. I foresee many drunk/annoying best friend roles in her future. (Think vomiting best friend in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, but cuter).
-Dumbledore's fire-thing in the evil cave. HBP, did you even have a special effects budget? This was the only cool and badass thing that occurred ALL MOVIE. Where was the Death Eaters vs. Dumbledore's Army fight scene? Where was the escape from Privet Drive? I know we're in a recession, but Transformers II seemed to be able to conjure up all the explosions it needed! Come ON, HBP!
I think I'm ready for bad things now.
-Hermione. Emma Watson, really? I like you a lot as a person, think your recent Burberry ads are flawless, and can't wait to stalk you in NYC next year, but Hermione's pout in this movie could rival Serena Van Der Woodsen's (in terms of how many times it showed up--not in quality, of course). During the scene where she cried, my fellow Potterphile Jackie and I actually laughed at how bad of an actress EW is.
-Lack of battle scenes. See above. Do I need to plan a fund-raiser to acquire more money for the special effects budget of The Deathly Hallows? I don't think I can handle an action-less final installment. Vanderbilt has an unusually high endowment. Say the word, JKR.
-Complete abandonment of 3/4 of the novel. Why did the director spend 10 minutes on a made up scene in which Harry flirts with an afro-ed Muggle and decide to leave out crucial Harry-Snape, Harry-Dumbledore and Harry-Ginny interactions? I haven't read the sixth book in a while but even I knew things were awry. Also, the "fire in the Burrow" scene? DIDN'T HAPPEN.
-Harry and Ginny's "kiss". I have kissed my cab drivers goodbye more passionately at the end of a long night. For serious, I am pretty sure she didn't even slip him the tongue. First you tie his shoes, then you kiss him the way I kiss my middle-aged Moroccan strangers? Ginny Weasley, are you a ho or a tease?
I could go on, but I think I will instead nurse my sorrows by re-reading The Half-Blood Prince and reveling in the fact that although the movie was supremely sub-par, the book remains a work of unbearable genius. Overall, if not for an amazing adult cast (Helena Bonham Carter & Alan Rickman were flawless), and some awkward British humor, I would give this movie a solid thumbs down. As of now, I am tilting my thumb downward, but inverted up at a 45 degree angle. It looks a little weird.
