Thing of the Day: Hooking Up

In response to "No Hooking Up, No Sex for Some Co-Eds"

Disclaimer: I do not mean to attack Frannie Boyle’s personal choices, simply her choice and means of publicizing them.

That being said… (has anyone seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry David asserts that any time someone begins a sentence with “that being said”, what will follow will likely insult, upset, or judge you? It’s true), I am disappointed and confused with Frannie Boyle’s CNN piece on her decision to refrain from “the hook up culture at Vanderbilt.” Had Ms. Boyle chosen to express these choices to a few dear friends, or on her personal blog, or perhaps in her opinion column in the Hustler, I would respect and in some way admire them and leave them to exist in a realm different than mine. Boyle, however, has chosen to share this resolution with millions on CNN.com. Leaving me to ask—why?

CNN.com is not your sealed-with-a-kiss-heart-with-a-key diary, and I do not know why their reporters deemed the decisions of one Vanderbilt student’s love life (or lack thereof) news-worthy for millions of Americans. True, as far as new sources go, CNN.com tends to be trashy and emotional, which is why readers frequently do not know how many civilians have died in Iraq but do have access to really cute videos of army wives and husbands reuniting (note to those recovering from the “casual hook up” or “friends with benefit” encounter gone awry—watching these and crying into Ben and Jerry’s—the FroYo kind offered by the Munchi Mart, you mustn’t let yourself go entirely—can be very therapeutic), but nonetheless, my first question is: how did this piece go beyond the realm of the Hustler? Who does Frannie Boyle known at CNN.com that publicized this story to the point where my mom can awkwardly call me and say, “Honey? Are you friends with this girl?...ah, I thought you might not be.” And I know this is a lot to ask after this article, but whoever they are, can they possibly get me a job?

Newsworthiness and favors aside (but seriously…call me if they can), Ms. Boyle’s argument against hooking up, casual sexual encounters, and in some perverse and rather inexplicable link, day fratting (side note: I do take personal offense to Ms. Boyle’s arguments against day fratting and am moderately angry that when I hear the words “afternoon delight” I will no longer think of the charming and entertaining Will Ferrell film Anchorman but of her judgmental viewpoints against it) is faulty in several ways. Although she claims she abstains from any sort of non-committal sex because she “respects herself,” what Boyle is actually doing is disrespecting almost a century’s worth of feminist and women’s rights movements. In the 1960’s and 70’s, women practically begged for access to casual sex. They did not want to be virgins, sweethearts, or housewives, rather, they wished to claim full right of their sexuality and exercise it fully to their desire without criticism. If Boyle had kept her decision to abstain to herself or discussed it with some friends, I would not believe that she was in violation of what this movement had achieved for women. However, she chooses to not only share with millions but does so in a matter that makes those women who participate in non-committal sexual encounters seem morally and intellectually inferior to her. In saying that she “respects herself” by abstinence she implies that those who do participate in the behaviors she has left behind are not respecting themselves. And what do we call a woman who does not respect herself? A fool? A floozy? A slut? Ms. Boyle perpetuates this type of naming and stereotyping by identifying herself as the pure outsider.

A woman’s sexual choices, serious or casual, few or far between, are not to be publicized, discussed, and studied from sociological and cultural perspectives. They are her own. To criticize them is to take a dozen steps back from the heights of equality we aspire to. Furthermore, the “Bring Back Dating Facebook group cited in the article is inherently anti-feminist. “At least take her out on a date before trying to get her into bed,” the group’s motto reads. Umm…in our fight for rights and representation, didn’t we claim that we were equal to men in every way? Do we see men begging to be “taken out to dinner” before we make our moves? No, because that would inspire never-ending mockery on their fraternity list serves and rapid loss of male friends. But also, no, because if a man wants to be taken out to dinner, he will tell his woman. Not the world. In an unrelated but equally important note, claiming that Boyle has lost “male friends that don’t understand my decision …but they were probably never really my friends anyway,” makes the males that engage in casual sexual behavior seem as inferior as the females. And no, they were probably never your friends anyway. When you flaunt a BORN AGAIN VIRGIN stamp across your forehead, chances are, your f*ck buddies will likely stop calling.

And finally—what was it that happened to Ms. Boyle that so enforced this vendetta against “hooking up?” “After consuming large quantities of alcohol before a party, her night would sometimes end in making out with a stranger or acquaintance,” reads the article. After a year of this, she quits cold turkey. Honey. The best way to get over a particularly insensitive fratstar who you found locked in the tender embraces of your sorority sister at the last “GI Joes and Barbie Hoes” party is to blatantly ignore him, make a point of having a great time without him, and go home laughing when he texts you “Long time no see…where are you?” at 2:30AM (You are happily in bed with Bagel Bites and a Diet Coke, thank you). No reason to give up altogether. After all, in the wise words of the Gawker rebuttal “Warning: Celibacy Can Be Hazardous To Your Health,” Brian Moylan writes: “College is a fantasy world. It is a wonderful dream universe where children get to party their way to a degree, get graded on an easy curve, survive on meal plans made entirely of fast food, and live in comfy dorms way nicer than anything they'll be able to afford once they graduate and enter the stagnant job market. Trying to get them to give up the sexiest part of their extracurricular activities is just making it worse.”